the emotional connection

This post is actually proving fairly difficult for me to write; i've intended to write it for a bit, i've even drafted it in my head during one of the many long car journeys i've undertaken recently. As a doorman I generally have control of situations, I'm able to take a situation and adapt it to my way; or adjust it to solve a problem, or disarm an escalating situation.

Everybody around me that I truly care about, everybody that really matters seems to have some sort of health issue of late. There are certain people in my life currently, people that, okay, someone, that I care about so much, that pain to them is pain to me. The person in question is one of these people that is genuinly extremely selfless. The sort of person that gets out of bed in the middle of the night to get you a drink; the sort of person that is always thinking about you, even down to little things, like when she passes you a can of drink in the car, she ensures its spun around so that you don't have to make that consideration. I know that example is probably getting you thinking that's a lame example, but its just one of many examples of the selflessness of this person.

Its difficult to imagine this particular person in pain. Don't get me wrong, its difficult to imagine anyone in pain, but certain people; for example my good male mates, if they are in pain, I feel for them, but there isn't the emotional connection between me and them, to make me feel their pain. But with this someone, when she is feeling excrutiating pain, and as she's said 'that wasn't anything, last time was worse' it hurt me; watching her in pain, and having absolutely no ability to help her, no ability to stop the pain, or even take the pain, which if I could do so I would in a heartbeat. I've felt pain myself, i've had my nose smashed open, i've had ribs kicked in, i've been bitten, i've been stabbed with stiletto's, i've had a terrible manflu so I couldn't get out of bed for a day or two; but never, never have I ever felt the agonizing pain of seeing someone you love in deep pain.

My father, my mother, my innocent younger sister are all ill, they all have fairly serious conditions; all of which will result in them being on a pharmaceutical product for the rest of their lives; everybody around me that means something, and does not deserve to be ill, seems to be. I don't understand why I, as probably the nastiest asshole of them all, out of everyone around me, seems to be in perfectly good health. Its hurting me considering that all these people that mean so much to everyone, and mean so much to me, go through pain, when I, most likely not meaning too much to anyone, am absolutely fine.

This post is going to have to end prematurely as its becoming distressful.